Articles : Mitch Alexander’s Best Albums of 2014

2014, what a year it was. There were weeks, days, a few months, about four seasons, and a whole bunch Boko Haram suicide bombings. Whoa, slow down 2014, ya ratbag!

But as we slowly meander into the arbitrarily designated “end” of the year, reviewers like to get sentimental, in a thinly veiled excuse to thrust their uninformed and unwarranted opinion down your throat one last time, like so much Gay-For-Pay porno penis. If you cared what I actually thought, you’d ask me, or failing that, you’d just do a Google search for some shit I’d written earlier in the year. Why do you care what I think? Why do you want to hear one windbag’s opinion about something?

If you read reviews and take them as anything more than some jerks opinion, get off the internet and get back to colouring in. If you write reviews and think you’re adding anything constructive to the artist or their fan’s lives, drown yourself.
With that unnecessarily aggressive introduction out of the way, allow me to present, in no particular order: “A List Of Albums A Hungover Mitch Finds Are Still On His iPod At The End Of The Year.”

The Acacia Strain – Coma Witch [USA – Rise Records]
This album is awesome in the same way KFC on a bender is awesome. You know it’s bad for you, you know it’s going to be the exact same as last time, and when you’re done with it you’ll be a little disappointed in yourself, the product, and your parents for not doing a better job; but in the moment, it’s just so damn fun. If you don’t like The Acacia Strain you’re probably one of those dickheads that think people care about your Floyd Rose. They don’t, shut up.
Listen to: “Cauterizer”

Anaal Nathrakh – Desideratum [United Kingdom – Metal Blade Records]
Aside from having a name that makes me want to kiss the inventor of “copy/paste”, this album is a great piece of fucked up, intense, dubstep-infused blackened death metal. I could’ve sworn ‘wubs’ weren’t fashionable any more, but it turns out I was wrong (which isn’t a surprise to anyone). I’m going to say that the vocalist is the best in the industry, and this album is probably his defining work. This dude can sing – Liberace sing – and scream like a demon, but he’s also not afraid to have his voice altered, messed with, and lowered in the mix, to create an overall soundscape of evil music. It’s really quite something. Listen to: “Idol”

Cannibal Corpse – A Skeletal Domain [USA – Metal Blade Records]
These guys released my death metal album of the year, which is surprising given that last year I didn’t even think the genre warranted so much as a passing glance. It’s as dense and tasty as a Maccas thick shake, but with slightly more technicality. I just can’t see anyone into heavy music not liking this CD. Maybe if you enjoy some melodic choruses, vocal harmonies and quiet moments you won’t enjoy A Skeletal Domain, but then I did say “heavy” music and you should learn to feel shame about things. This album is the musical equivalent of a heavy weight boxing match shown in HD, where one of the boxers is smashed into a coma and the fans blood lust causes a riot, and right before the live feed cuts off, you see someone scalping the ringside announcer.
Listen to: “Kill Or Become”

Every Time I Die – From Parts Unknown [USA – Epitaph Records]
These guys are the southern-rock hardcore equivalent of Machine Head, and this album is their Blackening. They’re beloved by millions, have created countless clones and rip offs, and while their last album was a good step in the right direction, this newest one has just set fire to their back catalogue with moonshine and pissed on the ashes. It sounds like high school parties attended exclusively by bikies. And Keith Buckley; my god that man is the ultimate frontman. Not only has his singing style become jaw-droppingly good, with a scream to level Babel, but the lyrics! The lyrics! If you’re not impressed by his writing then you can’t read, which is weird then that you can understand this.

Eye Of The Enemy – The Vengeance Paradox [VIC – Rockstar Records]
This is some damn fine heavy metal, the type you’d find being blasted uncomfortably loud from the speakers of some dude wearing a shirt that says “HEAVY FUCKING METAL” on it. It’s got the guitar work, the pummeling drums, the sweet solos (if you’re into that shit) and some aggressive screaming. And the best part is, it’s Australian. It sounds like it could’ve come from anywhere on Earth, which is probably the biggest thing I’m taking away from 2014; either Australian metal is producing world class acts at the local level, or heavy metal everywhere is turning into the same thing. I’m not sure. I’m too tired to think about it. Listen to: “The March”

A Ghost Orchestra – Vile Hymns [SA – Independent]
I found these guys only a couple of weeks ago, because Jack The Stripper were playing a show with them in Adelaide, and Jesus Christ, you’re kicking goals “Australian Heavy Music zeitgeist”. It’s gritty, nasty, party and heavy. I like this CD so much, I’m seriously considering flying to Adelaide to watch them open for Every Time I Die in January. I’ll be happy to spend hundreds to see them do maybe 20 minutes of material. It’s great.
Listen to: “Hesitator”

Hadal Maw – Senium [VIC – Independent]
I’m not even bitter that I fucked up my audition for these guys 4 or so years ago. If this is the result of me avoiding things then ship me off to the Middle East to intern for ISIS. While the production still gets me a little sad, I can look past it when the tracks are of such higher quality in every other regard. It’s thoughtful and brutal, which is apparently hard to do without fucking up (if the amount of woeful albums out there is any indication). It’s nice when an Australian band does something well; it’s fucking beautiful when they do it better than 90% of the other bands prattling on with their lackluster crap. As a metalhead, this is the closest I can get to barracking for a national sports team and taking pride in their achievements like I had anything to fucking do with it.
Listen to: “Aetas de Morior”

Machine Head – Bloodstone & Diamonds [USA – Nuclear Blast Records]
Fuck, there’s a lot of these to write, isn’t there? Yeah, it’s good, go listen to it. Or not, whatever. Listen to: “Now We Die”

Monuments – The Amanuensis [United Kingdom – Century Media Records]
This was a surprise to me. I listened to a couple of random tracks here and there and was just certain it wasn’t for me. I don’t like clean singing over good riffs. It’s a waste. Call me an elitist, but deep down you know this is just the closest you can get to listening to Ricky Martin without having your metal cred questioned. Just embrace who you are, and don’t let anyone’s judgment dictate the rules of your life. Live life like the only one watching is the sun, and soak up its warm love every day. That type of inspirational meme-speak is what half of these songs remind me of, but even if you’re not usually into this type of thing, it’s still undeniably good. It’s like if you don’t like footballers but you still have to admit the players are probably pretty strong. I’ve listened to this CD more than I thought I would, which just gives me hope that I’m growing as a person every day and learning to embrace every second on quantum level. Holy shit I’m tired.
Listen to: “I, The Creator”

The Matador – Destroyer
Destroyer? I don’t even know her! Anyway this is also really good. Much like Cannibal Corpse and death metal, I wasn’t even really aware I liked this genre (whatever the fuck it is) before 2014. It’s that slow, riffy hardcore/metal/sludge/stoner something, that seems to excite everyone from newjacks with their skateboards and Parkway crewnecks, to old dudes that smell bad and should know better. I really hope I get to see this band live, because as good as the CD is, I think it’s meant to be shoved into my ear holes at a dangerously loud and semi-legal volume. Nathan’s voice is also top notch and it’s just a shame he’s such a jerk in real life.
Listen to: “Destroyer”

OLD MAN GLOOM – The Ape Of God
Even if this double album was utter garbage I’d still include it because of the circumstances surrounding its release. The band recorded a dud album, sent that out to reviewers, and watched silently as it was leaked to the public. Then a while later they released a press statement to the effect of “lol fuck you for leaking that rot here’s the real one” and dropped this mindblowing collection of Matador-sounding music which, if I’m being honest, could do without so much ambient wankery. I paid for riffs, not practice-space stoner fucking-about. When the songs hits, they hit harder than anything else in 2014, but sometimes I don’t want to go on a carefully crafted audio journey into the tortured psyche of a pained artist, I want to bang my head at the gym inappropriately. But still, points for trolling.
Listen to: “Predators”

Rings of Saturn – Lugal Ki En
SPEAKING OF TROLLING. This might be my favorite album of the year, and theoretically you should already know that, as I was supposed to finish a review for these guys a while ago, but I refuse to submit it until I get my Pokemon reference phrased just right. And yes it’s necessary. Here are the crib notes for that review to save yourself from reading it later.
– It’s stupidly heavy and technical with a better production than most big name releases.
– They not only use all the musical and metal techniques you could think of, they also use comedic techniques, like call backs.
– Their songs sound like Usain Bolt slowing down over the finishing line, if afterwards he also dropped his pants and mooned the stadium.
– Jack from Slice the Cake describes them as “the musical equivalent of a trollface.”
– Their songs sound like they were inspired by the Lavender Town theme from Pokemon Blue (nailed it).
-Their instrumental tracks seems like it features a recorder, which means they either went out of their way to find recorder sample, or someone played recorder on the album.
– They’re better at everything than you.
Listen to: “Unsympathetic Intellect”

Structures – Life Through A Window
This might be my adult, not-trolling album of the year. This release sounds “hungry”, like they know they’re good and they’re desperate for everyone to know. In that regard it reminds of Slipknot’s S/T, but musically it’s a very mosh-friendly, Northlane type of heavy that isn’t bogged down trying to be Parkway-meets-Karnivool. They just get on with it, which I’m happy about.
Listen to: “Life Through A Window”

Dead Kelly – Sons Of The Southern Cross
I don’t know if these cunts are trolling as well, and I’m not sure if they know either, but fuck me these foul-mouthed dickheads have released the Australian metal album. Fuck AC/DC; Dead Kelly sound like a hi-vis bong made from an Ice Break, and represent every metalhead that can’t catch a 20 minute train to their nearest state capital. It sounds like it was recorded in a tin shed by 5 pissed mates and I think that’s the point. They didn’t over think any of it, mainly because they didn’t have to. When you smash it first try, why bother editing? That’s the tact I’m taking with this article at least. More than any other CD this year I’ve kept coming back to Sons Of The Southern Cross, which means I’m more Australian than our current front bench.
Listen to: “Solid Rock”

Whitechapel – Our Endless War
Fuck, finally I can finish and go to bed. This CD I was also not expecting to enjoy, mainly because every other one of their albums has been the type of release where I can only latch on to one or two tracks: I play them to death and then I wonder if it will be better live (spoilers, it isn’t. Three guitars. Stop it). But on this CD I’ve liked every single track. Except the first. And the intro. But otherwise, I’ve liked every single track. Even if the overall song isn’t great, it has a small section somewhere in it that kicks so much arse it retrospectively makes the preceding three minutes awesome. It’s a talent to pull off an Orwellian double-think in heavy music. So good on these guys for managing to do so on an album that is also rather political, ironically enough. There’s a metaphor there you can fucking write yourself, I’m done.
Listen to: “Our Endless War”

Go listen to the first three songs off each of these albums, and you’ll probably know if you like them or not. That’s my one piece of serious advice. Life’s too short to listen to shit music, read shit books, or not be hungover playing Far Cry 4.

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